The anxiety pit

The anxiety pit might be one of the hardest things a person can dig themselves out of.

Because you are fighting something that is so real and devastating in your mind that no one else experiences.

It is a war that can not be won or lost but simply battles you take on everyday.

It is the fog that hides the realness of the future but only you can see the fog.

It is the weight of the world that crushes your chest, but in reality, the world is weightless floating effortlessly through space.

It is a lack of oxygen when everyone else seems to breath so easily.

It is every noise that no one else even notices.

It is the invisible fight that seems to never end.

It is faceless and nameless, meaning you can’t hardly put words to it.

The scariest part is that it is part of you. Without you, your anxiety would not exist. This also means, no one but you can do anything about it. No one can save you from it. No one can take it for you. It is just yours to face, yet again.

~ l. l. blankenship

About:

I recently started working with someone to get a handle on my anxiety. Honestly, it is something I have dealt with my entire life but never actually called it anxiety or even understood it to be anxiety. The amount of honesty needed to tackle your inner demons is almost more terrifying than the demons themselves. After all, I know those demons, I’ve lived my whole life with them. But I guess I came to a point where life handed me one too many wild cards and I found myself crippled with fear.

I knew not a single soul could save me from the inner noise, no one else could even hear it. It is terrifying to meet with someone and say I’m terrified of things my mind makes up, things that may never happen, life feels unbearable for no reason at all. But it was even more terrifying living with those constant fears. No one was coming to save me from myself, they didn’t even know I needed saving.

Fine. It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything was fine. Everything was fine after I had a major snow skiing accident and lost my short term memory. Picture walking into a room and not knowing why, for months solid! Everything was fine after my father finally took his own life and I felt responsible to clean up the mess. Everything was fine when I had Lyme disease and severe mold poisoning, wearing heart monitors and living with an IV line in my arm for over a year. Everything was fine when my husbands PTSD from the military spiraled out of control. 

Fine is a word I hope to remove from my vocabulary. I never want to be fine again. I want to be me. I was fine for so long, that I could no longer breath easy. Having the courage to redefine myself after being fine for well over a decade has required every ounce of my energy. But soon I will be more than fine. I have the courage to smile and laugh again, I know it will happen.

Saving Me

For years, I day dreamed of someone saving me.

Someone coming to save me from the hateful words,

the terrifying moments, and

the unsettling difficulties of life.

I always knew someone would come.

I knew someone would save me from it,

Someone had to save me from it all.

From the tips of my tip toes, to the too damaged to touch looks of silence,

I’d stare at the clock, watching the second hand tick,

I’d hold my breath worried the sound would give away my fear.

No one heard my fears as loudly as I heard them.

I never imagined she would be this bold and beautiful.

So fearless to face the world around her.

I knew someone would save me.

It took me years to realize that someone was me.

~ l. l. blankenship

The first drop

The first drop…

They say when something seems too good to be true, it usually isn’t true. That there is some sort of catch waiting for you. Lately, I’ve been working on manifesting this beautiful, too good to be true, dream of living a creative life into existence. I’m now at a point where it seems so simple. What I need to do is so clear and easy, and right in front of me to simply take as mine. And yet I find myself sitting and staring, waiting for the catch. Feeling as if I’ve missed something, it can’t be this easy. As if someone will come and slap my hand for taking the easy option and say jokes on you! (Probably because that was the environment I was raised in.)

The funny thing is, it isn’t all that easy to pour my heart and soul out for the world to see. It takes more courage than anything I’ve ever done!

So here I am, planning my first drop. Knowing that I will face technical difficulties and will be able to figure it out. Fully knowing that not everyone will like my work and that is ok. Fully knowing that even if my voice shakes, I still can do this. Fully knowing that even if my mom is the only person who buys a painting, I still sold a painting! Fully knowing that my imposter voice will throw a temper tantrum but I will not allow it to stop me. 

I am planning this first drop with the knowledge that dreams don’t work unless you do, and I have a huge dream to live! I am doing this knowing, I have to start somewhere. This first drop is exactly what its called, the first, meaning it is my early work and my paintings will only get better in time. 

I am also doing this as a 35 year old who has already been chewed up and spit out by life one too many times. Who tried the corporate world and is too disgusted by it to partake any more. I’m doing this drop with the courage of a 35 year old who is ready for her crayons back……. I don’t want to try to save the world any more, I just want to make it a pretty place to exist in.

Recently in my journaling, I wrote a line that I think sums up so many feelings I have about this chapter of my life. “I think my soul has been an artist it’s whole life and I made it do its choirs first.” I truly feel like I’ve only just discovered what I’m here on this earth to do, what my passion and calling is. This chapter of my life is full of so much anxiety and fear of the unknown and stepping out of my comfort zone. But it is also so calming, as if it is what I was made to do. It is one of the first things that felt beyond natural, pure magical actually.

A gift

A mind breaking,

soul wrenching,

body twisting

type of a gift.

It breaks the heart,

Blurs the boundaries,

Stretching reality,

And redefines life

It distorts the truth,

Numbs the flavors,

Freezes the body,

And leaves a ringing in the ears.

It pauses everything,

And speeds it up at the same time.

Its the wake up call you never asked for,

But only wakes you up if you are ready.

You sit with it,

Calm the nerves,

Release the fears,

And tend to the wounds.

You dry the eyes,

Stare into nothingness,

Slow the breathing,

And fixate the spinning mind.

A gift,

One of those,

One you never thought you would get.

One you can’t help but be thankful for type of a gift.

~L.L.Blankenship

About: Over the years, I’ve been luck enough to experience many ‘gifts’ in my lifetime. They look and feel different but as I reflect on them, they somehow feel the same.

What if you simply devoted this year to loving yourself more?

What if you simply devoted this year to loving yourself more?

I’ve always been my own biggest critic. I can pick myself apart faster than anyone else around me. I’m hard on myself and I expect more of myself than I do of anyone I know. For years, I’ve destroyed myself and fully concentrated on my faults. 2020 is the year of focusing on my strengths, my achievements. 2020 is the year I fall in love with myself!

They say it takes 21 days to create a habit and 90 days to create a lifestyle. Can you imagine what an entire year of loving yourself more can create? Focus on yourself this year. Love yourself more. Push yourself to become the person you know you can become.

As my best critic, this next year I will turn my ‘faults’ into strength. The same practice they say to use during the interview question of turning biggest weaknesses into something positive for the job you are interviewing for. ‘I care too much about my work.’ I plan to actually think about my criticizing thoughts and look at the flip side. For every time I feel I’m not good enough, I will focus on what I am doing good enough. When I take too long to post a new blog post, I’m actually editing it to get it just how I want it. For each time my hair or clothes aren’t perfect, I’m actually owning my unique style. For the nights I go to bed with dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, I’m actually taking care of myself and getting the sleep I need.

I’m extremely excited to see where this year can take me. I know great things are coming and I have to prepare myself for those things. Life is great, I love life and I love myself!

If you don’t start today, what makes you think you will start tomorrow?

If you don’t start today, what makes you think you will start tomorrow?

You know those projects or adventures that are forever in the back of your mind. Those ones you think ‘someday it will happen.’ The ones that will happen when life calms down. When the time is right type of things.

Well the time is never right, life never calms down and someday is today! Today is the day. You might already be exhausted from the day as it nears bedtime but is tomorrow going to be any different?

Today is the day!

I’m at the point in life where I’ve waited too long for things to be right. The end of everyday will leave me exhausted but I’d rather be exhausted and accomplished. I’m done waking up in the morning wishing I’d done it last night.

The last 3 weeks I’ve put in the effort. Working out morning and night. Cooking fresh veggies for every meal. Building the desk I dreamed of. Running the financial numbers I wanted to and crushing our goals. Writing blog post every chance I get. I’m done putting off the life I want, the body I want, the dream job I want. It may not be perfect everyday but it is better than nothing. 

What are you putting off today in hopes of starting tomorrow? Why not start today? Go get the life you want!

Own who you are

It seems like every day I become a better version of myself. I’m continuously working on myself and striving to be a better person. Not only for those close to me but even for myself. Physically and mentally. But the reality is, I’m not the person I’m striving to be yet. I’m still working on me and that transition time is so hard!

I once read an article that talked about interviews and answering the question of your biggest weakness. It talked about if you know it is your biggest weakness then you should already be able to speak to how you are working to address it. If you are a poor public speaker, then join Toastmasters. Practice and work on it. If you have poor writing skills, take classes and work on it. It talked about how your weakness should always be changing, that settling with the idea of something being your weakness should be unacceptable to someone striving to become a better person.

This hit me hard and is something I will always remember. That said, when I identify a weakness that I’m working on and actively practicing, I find it difficult to own myself in the moment when I’m not yet the person I want to be. It is so easy for me to own this confident person who has polished so many skills but the truth is, I’m still working to polish some of them. And even when they are polished and I feel perfect, I still have moments when they fall flat. Owning those moments are difficult.

Lately I’ve been working to own who I am in this moment. I’m proud of the fact that I’m striving to be a better person. And even though I’m not perfect and I’m still working on things, the current me is pretty amazing!

Intentional

2020 won’t be different if you continue doing the same thing

My overall goal for 2020 is to be intentional with my life. My health, my diet, my finances, my career, my emotions. 2020 is my year!

Lately I’ve felt if I’m not intentional with my life then I’m just drifting. I refuse to be a drifter. This year

Do you know you?

Do you know you?

I know that I am a rare breed of woman. I know who I am, but I’m continuing to learn more about myself with every new stage of my life.

I am the person sitting quietly in the back of a conference room taking notes and digesting the conversation. But I am the person pushing a topic and asking questions until we get the answer we need.

I’m the person who can orchestrate a problem call at work costing the company millions of dollars until the issue is resolved. But I am the person who goes to lunch alone most days to recover and focus on myself.

I am the person who will fight for what I want and feel is needed until I’m exhausted. But I am the person who has a line that can be crossed, and when it is crossed I’m done fighting.

I am a girl who supports myself and takes pride in being independent and living the simple life. But I love Starbucks, my BMW, custom made clothes and my designer glasses.

Sometimes I feel a bit too much for others and other times not enough. But I am at a stage in my life where I am ok with that.

I know who I am

I love who I am

I am still discovering who I am

Becoming Her

I’m proud of the woman I am today because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.

Hearing others talk about the generations who are entitled simply by the way their parents raised them and assuming I was raised the same way makes me so proud of how far I have pushed myself. It makes me smile that someone looks at me with a great home and an adorable BMW to drive and assumes everything has come easy for me. To be blatantly honest, it was quite the opposite.

I could begin to tell you the ‘highlights’ of my life right now but I’m not. I’ve learned that most people look at my smile differently when they hear about the hell I’ve traveled through. Don’t get me wrong, I had amazing moments and what appeared to be a perfect life to the outsiders but those who know me closest understand what my smile means. 

I am proud that someone looks at me as a happy, go lucky, entitled mindset person. I am proud that I refused to allow my past to outshine my current self. There are many versions of the story about a boiling pot of water and what it turns an egg, a potato and a tea into. One turns hard and after too long is undesirable. One turns soft and mush over time. However, one turns to a sweet smell and a treat for the soul. To be honest, there were moments of my journey when I thought I was the egg or potato in this story. I can’t tell you how proud of how I aged with my journey of life.

View fullsize

It breaks my heart to see someone feel the life they experienced dictates the new day. Of course there are situations that rollover day to day and feel they will never end. Health situations. Financial constraints. Family obligations. But I can honestly say I experienced each of those at an early age. Early on, I decided those situations would not define my life. It is something I’ve had to work very hard to overcome at times. I had to be very deliberate in my life. One could almost say those situations I had to overcome help define who I am today but I refuse to give them any credit. 

The truth is, I am the person I am today because I am deliberate about who I am. And I am proud of who I am today.

Done is better than perfect!

My blog is officially up and live!

It only took me 3 years. It is the perfect example of the phrase I’m trying to strive for lately. Done is better than perfect.

I wouldn’t say I’m a perfectionist but I tend to delay things because it isn’t perfectly the way I want it. It’s silly, why do we put things off because they aren’t perfect? I’ve started doing a check with myself, if it does the job I need to it to, then move forward. Balancing perfect vs done can at times feel impossible. I want the house cleaned, but I want it really deep cleaned and perfect! Hiring a cleaning crew to clean the house every other week was an amazing move! Now I deep clean when I see the need but my home is cleaned on a regular basis. I want to do an amazing workout and really get in shape but I don’t have time for the gym and I would only do a small workout at home so I don’t do one at all.

The judgement call that can push us over the edge of done and perfect can be a small factor or a large factor but depending on the task at hand makes all the difference in the world! When I notice my perfectionist side kick in, I have to force myself to just get it done. And when I start slacking and doing a subpar job, I have to limit the number of projects I’m working on so I can perfect them. That balance for me is an ongoing struggle.

Honestly, I feel the fact that I can see that struggle and drive in myself makes me happy with myself. I’m not a perfectionist. I can be a perfectionist if needed. But I work to balance it so each task gets the appropriate amount of effort.

How do you balance Perfection vs Done?